Fractured World, Scattered Brain
Or, I Don't Know What To Write About Anymore
Hi Friends,
Hope you are well in the wild world.
I’ve named this Substack Levi’s Lost Thoughts because I always have so many thoughts and ideas and topics I’d like to write about, and yet I can never decide on which thread to commit to and follow through with to completion.
· Should I write about politics and Portland and what’s happening here?
· The rise of polarization and misinformation and authoritarianism? (I have one thought about how the introduction of social media is like sugar—I think in future history books they will describe this as a time when none of us knew how to integrate such a delicious substance into our lives without it also slowly killing us and making us unhealthy.
· What about the current fear gripping many Latino community members and many white Americans general indifference toward it?
· What about my job in the working in the Pre-K community?
· Or my life as a Dad? Parenting in chaotic world.
· Or my current mid-life crisis of trying to find a new career? (I’m thinking of going into teaching, but that would require another Master’s degree/teaching license…)
Sometimes my brain is so scattered I wonder if I have undiagnosed ADHD or something. So much mental electricity buzzing around in my head to such a degree that I just want to silence it come nighttime. Which route shall I wayfind through these many cracks?
Or perhaps that’s always been my way in the world—moving states, colleges, and careers multiple times, never quite finding my place in the world. Perhaps I was meant to be a nomad. Perhaps I should live the #vanlife life.
Yet while the American Empire slowly disintegrates, my own personal family is doing quite well. My girls are happy and healthy and just so perfectly innocent and just love school and their friends. It bores me to tears taking them to parks nowadays, but I hope they’re having a good childhood. My wife is helping people navigate a complex social care system while our spiritual community is focusing on building community resilience and care webs to support people in our community. We are so happy and fortunate to be a part of a wonderful neighborhood of people through our local school and want to never take it for granted. It a balm for these dark times. Being connected to community and developing relationships with our immediate neighbors is making me feel less lonely in the world.
I have crippling self-doubt these days when it comes to my writing. I know my writing is not bad, but is it good enough? Great enough to stand out amongst all the amazing writing out there today? I don’t know. With all the rejections it becomes hard to parse: Was it the piece itself? Or was there simply not enough room and not a good fit? How do you know? I’m tired of paying for workshops and conferences…
I’m querying my next novel, After the Earthquake, while also making revisions. My novel takes place right during this time of October—when the veil between our world and the world of the dead thins…spooky. Maybe I’ll share a selection with you on Halloween.
Anyways, can you believe I just wrote a whole blog about not knowing what to write about? Geez, I really owe you an apology or a pastry.
I guess I’ll leave you with a poem:
September Sunset
the days are short
dusk draws near
a touch of smoke
the air a hazy orange
like unfiltered wine
the dying light illuminates
every particle of dust, every bug
hanging like spiders from invisible webs
The kids at soccer practice
walk home in the dark
Love,
-Levi
P.S. Also, see: One Battle After Another, for a rousing bit of courage and inspiration in these uncertain times!